Photography by Kendyl
(Whenever she hijakes my camera I get loads of random ones.
Found this one taken weeks ago and it kind of goes with my post.
I just looked down and realized I am wearing the same outfit. So sad.)
A few days ago I read this. I loved it. I absolutely agree. In my
own way I totally call myself a feminist. I even try to make sure I drive the
car 50% of the time when Nate's in it. (To Nathan this is the only downside to
my “feminism”. He hates the way I drive. But then I hate the way he drives.)
However I’ve struggled a lot
putting to words how I feel about the roles of men and women in the sphere of
parenthood.
So I especially loved this part.
(But read the whole article. Disagree if you want.) It’s exactly what I’d come
to the conclusion of not so long ago.
C. Jane: Somehow those same old gender roles had crept into
our marriage and we were equating my husband’s job with motherhood which was
painfully false. Fatherhood and motherhood are equal pairs. We both should
never, ever sleep again. (insert: smiley face)
I've generally never really struggled
with the idea of thinking women were less important with men. But I do struggle
with the fact that other people might think it. Especially days when I pass a
group of women in their pencil skirts and perfectly made-up faces while I drag
a screaming 2 year-old in my ratty jeans and unwashed hair. On the really hard days thoughts will creep in questioning the worth of it all.
I know women are divine. We are
mothers. We are strength. We are love. We are partners of God raising His
children.
But most days being a Mom doesn’t
seem like all that great a job. Because (sometimes to myself and others) it is equated to the titles of Nanny,
Cook, and Cleaner. What’s so divine about being an unpaid maid? And what’s so
incredible about feeding little kids mac and cheese? Not much.
And Dad’s role is to Work. A role
often viewed (sometimes by myself and others) as a more important role in
comparison to Nanny, Cook, and Cleaner.
Early on it seemed so black and
white. Nathan went to school and had a job. I stayed at home, did laundry,
tried to make dinner, kept the house as clean as possible and the babies alive.
I was mostly successful.
And when I read blogs where Moms
would say: "I have a choice. I can either clean or be a Mom. I just can’t do
both. I can’t have it all. So I'll leave the dishes for another day and snuggle with my child." I used to scoff and think, "Who are you trying to
kid? Of course you can do both. You’re just not motivated enough. Its not one
or the other. Get off your bum and load the dishwasher."
But then things got shook up a
little bit. The babies aren’t babies anymore. Some of their needs went down
which made life a little easier- nursing, diapers, spoon feeding, but other
things are getting much harder. The real Mom stuff- disciplining, teaching,
nurturing (how to use potties, how to share, why we should keep our clothes on,
why we shouldn’t hit or scratch, what happens when we yell, how to be kind,
what we shouldn’t say to the random lady in the store, why we shouldn’t take
the candy from store without paying, how to ask a question appropriately, how to play by ourselves, why
we shouldn’t hang on Mommy’s neck, why we need to clean up our mess, what
happens when we don’t clean it up, why we should listen to Mom and Dad, what
happens when we scream in the car, how to put our own buckles on, how to brush
our teeth, how to pray, what happened when we dance during prayers…I could go
on and on and on) all the while testing the outer limits of my patience and
emotional stability.
Too many days the house is a
disaster by the time Nate gets home and dinner is never made. Ever. Most days I
literally cannot keep the house clean and cook dinner with children in the
house. Some days I’d rather have a Real Job. That seems more physically
do-able. Because for someone with the title of Nanny, Cook, and Cleaner I am not
living up to my job description. I am a failure. And I’m just too tired to fix
it.
But one day I came to the
conclusion like many people before me (who I scoffed at….so sorry) I can’t do
it all. It stinks. I don’t like having a messy house. Actually I hate it. But
for now its okay! I don’t have to be a Nanny, Cook, and Cleaner. Nowhere in the
Proclamation to the Family does it says my role is to cook and keep the
bathroom Lysol clean. And nowhere in the Proclamation to the Family does it say
that Nate shouldn’t cook dinner and help tidy up. (Which most days he gladly
does) Our roles are to be Mothers and Fathers and together, "rear [our] children
in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs,
and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of
God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live." We each have "divine designs" and for our family now, most of my day are spent at home and most of Nathan’s are spent at an office but that doesn’t mean we
can’t be co-CEOs in ALL the duties of our home. So I’ll do the laundry
(Nathan hates doing it, and I hate it when he tries) but I don’t find much joy
out of cooking (and luckily Nathan is willing and very able). And together we'll tackle everything else.
Duh Liesel! I know. It seem so obvious. But with this realization I’m able to let go a whole lot of guilt I have when Nathan
walks in the door to a mess and uncooked beef defrosting on the counter. I am
not a failure. I’m a Mom with little kids who simply need Mom. Mom the Teacher
and Mom the Nurturer, not Mom the Maid. (Though I would love a cleaner house.
And so I’m still trying to figure out I way to have that too.)
…………….
Elder Cook: "Our doctrine is clear: Women are
daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves them. Wives are equal to their husbands. Marriage
requires a full partnership where wives and husbands work side by side to meet
the needs of the family."
Elder Holland: "Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do,
cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends
angels to watch over you and your little ones. Husbands—especially husbands—as
well as Church leaders and friends in every direction, be helpful and sensitive
and wise. Remember, 'To every thing there is a season, and a time to every
purpose under the heaven.'”
