What I realized yesterday.

Last year I was the Sunbeam teacher at church. I really liked it because it was this first time I've been in the Primary besides being a Nursery leader (which is a whole different ball game!). Being in Sunbeams felt like kind of a step up. Plus a snack break is still totally acceptable. And a trip to the bathroom. And the drinking fountain. And around the church. And back to the bathroom. It was fun. Most days I truly enjoyed it. However being a Sunbeam teacher and a mom to two toddlers plus babysitting I started to question my college degree-- I have a Bachelor's in Elementary Education. Day in and day out of being just around little kids I totally started second guessing why I ever thought that was ever a good idea. But then I got a new class in Primary. I now teach the 9 year olds. I realized I really, really do like teaching kids. But kids that are actually a little older who can joke around, answer questions, and have more in depth conversations (and who don't need their bums wiped and their sippy cups constantly full). So I'm still glad I have the degree I do (I was seriously regretting it for a while!). And its comforting to know that even though being a public school teacher might not be my #1 career choice I know I do like teaching kids-- older kids. (I'm very aware that older kids have challenges too. Some way, way harder than potty training and teething.)

It's been a particularly hard few weeks with my kids and I end each day completely worn out. Being cooped up inside all week doesn't help. And I've slowly come to the realization that being a mom to little kids is not a role I relish. It's hard work! So hard. I would love a break. I would love to sit down and eat one meal uninterrupted. I would love to be able to accomplish simple tasks like calling to make a doctors appointment and hearing the person on the other end. I would love to go to a store without needing Tylenol and bag of chocolate after. I would love to think.

I've realized I love being a mom. I love my kids. But I don't really enjoy being a mom to little kids. And you know what I realized yesterday? IT'S OKAY!! I plan on being a mom on earth for 60+ years. Who cares that the first 4 were not my cup of tea? I will be a mom forever. These years will end. I've know that. But I don't need to kid myself thinking that I'm a bad mom or less of a person because I don't love the early ones like so many other people seem to. Lately I've ran into so many people who say ,"You'll miss these years!" I wish I had the courage to smile and say, "I can see how you would. They are so cute and little. But personally, no I won't. I'll have memories. I'll have tons of pictures. And I'll still have my kids. I plan on being their mom for an awfully long time."

We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Being a parent has helped me more than anything else learn what some of those are. (And its only been 4 years!) I'm love my girlies. But more that anything I'm looking forward to being their mom forever and getting to know them as the beautiful women they will someday be.

Because I'll still have the pictures.